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Now on VOD – before finally landing on Peacock, date still TBA – Jurassic World Dominion anything but begs one to remember the infamous Jurassic Park Scene where Laura Dern gets elbow deep in a pile of triceratops shit. domination brings Dern back to the franchise, along with her old friends Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neill, who in a blast of stars collide with mainstays of the new trilogy, Bryce Dallas Howard and Chris Pratt, for a simple story about the relationships between humans and dinosaurs A nice, proper bow (at least for now) to all this bloated, moronic, and generally entertaining nonsense to tell. Of course, this what’s-old-is-new-again-and-what’s-new-still-old-dinos-running-movie was a substantial box-office hit, with people from all over the world contributing to the spectacle, including the introduction, theaters flocked to a new Heckalottofasaurus or whatever. Am I saying it’s the cinematic equivalent of throwing yourself elbow-deep in a pile of Triceratops shit? Let’s just say it’s not me Not says that.

The essentials: THE BERING SEA. The deadliest catch is especially deadly now, as fishermen try to haul up a crab pot and a giant mosasaur leaps out of the water to snatch it, causing the boat to capsize. This scene tells us that since the events of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, where dinos fled their island for worldwide freedom, humans are now attempting to co-exist with the mega-est of megafauna. The only thing on earth bigger than dinosaurs is Biosyn Corporation, whose Jobsalike CEO (Campbell Scott) says they’re researching dino DNA to cure cancer and shit, and absolutely NOT accidentally put oversized grasshoppers on the let go of the world and cause an ecological catastrophe and do nothing about it. The Dern character we remember and love, Dr. Ellie Sattler, wants to do something about it, so she senses former comrades Dr. Alan Grant (Neill) and Dr. Ian Malcolm (Goldblum) and then they do something about it.

Meanwhile, in the Sierra Nevada, Claire Dearing (Howard) and Owen Grady (Pratt) live off the grid so no one can find Maisie Lockwood (Isabella Sermon), a human clone who just doesn’t matter. You may or may not remember her from the previous film, but it just doesn’t matter. People want their DNA for various nefarious reasons, or maybe they’re not always nefarious, who can tell in this Triceratops shit conspiracy, and these people are Biosyn people. So she is kidnapped, along with the offspring of Owen’s favorite velociraptor Blue, who lives in the woods near his and Claire’s cabin. So they set out to rescue their quasi-adopted daughter, as well as the baby dino who’s 49 percent cute and 51 percent scary.

Where exactly do you have to go? I lost track because within the first hour the film takes us into the waters of Alaska, Northern California, Utah, West Texas, Pennsylvania and Malta, where half of a Jason Bourne action movie is stuffed into a dinosaur movie, at which point one is understandably confused. Eventually, the movie settles down and ends in a Biosyn HQ lab flanked on all sides by a dinosaur sanctuary, allowing all plots to collapse into one place. There are about a dozen supporting characters to consider, few of which are important, some of whom don’t even need to be in the film, and two of them are worth mentioning because biosyn-type Ramsay Cole (Mamoudou Athie) is a crucial plot device, and because Kayla Watts (DeWanda Wise) is a gum-chewing mercenary pilot who makes the morally correct decision to help our heroes, and is also a very helpful aid to our understanding of the plot when she yells things like THIS PLANE IS GOIN’ DOWN when the plane she is piloting catches fire and crashes to the ground.

But, you might be wondering, what about the dinosaurs? Right. You have your Dimetrodons, your Parasaurolophuses, your Dilophosauruses, your Stygimolochs, your Triceratopses and yours infant Triceratops who really needs a Baby Yoda to complete the picture. However, these are only on the undercard. The middleweights are Velociraptors trained to attack anyone unfortunate enough to have a laser pointer aimed at them, and a vicious, feathered Pyroraptor. Their headliners are the Giganotosaurus, the likely top of the spikes, Therizinosaurus, with claws outstretched here, and good old ever loving T-Rex, immortal wonder of the new old new world. Do you know how many movies have to do with Talking Killers, who inevitably and inevitably end up talking to themselves when they should kill, allowing their would-be killers to find an escape? This movie is full of roaring monsters that will inevitably and inevitably stop to roar viciously in their chompees’ faces when they’re supposed to be chewing, and allow the chompees to grab a taser or whatever. So stupid. And yet this is only the tenth stupidest thing in this film.

Jurassic World: Dominion
Photo: Youtube

Which movies will it remind you of?: The Bourne Ultimatum, Godzilla vs Kongeach among hundreds of movies with labs with beakers full of colorful liquids inside, A million years B.C, When dinosaurs ruled the earth. Director Colin Trevorrow really, too Yes, really wants it to remind us of the original Jurassic Park.

Notable performance: Here’s your obligatory Goldblum praise as he almost doesn’t take it all seriously and also enjoys a hilarious scene in which he impales a giant flaming grasshopper and waves it in the face of a Giganotosaurus. Special mention goes to Wise, who wrote lines like “Quetzalcoatlus. Late Cretaceous. Should have stayed there” with enough gnashing of teeth to establish her as the film’s best badass.

Memorable dialogue: dr Ian Malcolm: “Jurassic World? Not a fan.”

gender and skin: none.

Our opinion: Jurassic World Dominion is spectacle without meaning. You could break its logic with a single eyelash as it flaps downward after being flapped down by your many, many eye rolls in response to that top-notch lobotomized, nincompooped babble. There’s only one Giganotosaurus in this movie, but you’d need 100 of them to fill all the plot holes. The least of these is a scene where the Dern character responds to a room full of dead locusts by saying, “No one said there would be bugs.” Expect us to believe that a character who once elbow-deep in Triceratops shit gets bothered by it? mistake? And yet that’s just about the ninth dumbest thing in this movie.

So what, you might be wondering, is that most The stupidest thing in this movie? We could debate this endlessly, but it’s probably a thing that comes up in too many law Movies, and that’s the inevitable moment when the characters are crawling through the dark forest or a dark cave or a dark hallway and they hear a noise and someone says WHAT IS THIS and everyone in the movie and everyone watching the movie should just yell IT’S AF – ING DINOSAUR, YOU TWIT. Other silliness: A plot crammed with DNA babble featuring locusts and clones. Neill’s bored-enough-of-this-shit performance. A sequence set on a frozen lake, ignoring the most rudimentary physics of thin ice. Nobody cares about the two dozen characters. Dialogue that only a Carnotaurus can have. A barely heated romantic Neill Dern reunion. A high-tech action-thriller detour that couldn’t be more over the top if Trevorrow directed it twice. A stunning shrug from a MEH of one last dino fight, claiming that the film’s greatest interest isn’t in the monster mayhem we’re paying for, but in the unraveling of the stupid clones-and-locusts conspiracy – its biggest disappointment .

And yet, domination doesn’t fall short of expectations, does it? Funny how that happens. The other Jurassic worlds were also silly displays of extravagance devoid of logic, and this is no different. It started with Bryce Dallas Howard’s pumps and continued. I think the one that wasn’t directed by Trevorrow Fallen Kingdom, is the best of the three simply because director JA Bayona isn’t as committed to Spielberg angles and overt nostalgia. Just like watching domination the cinematic equivalent of diving elbow-deep into a pile of Triceratops shit? Yes, the metaphor holds water, like a well-hydrated and gut-regular Triceratops. It’s not a good film by larger standards; it’s definitely a bunch of shit. But we don’t watch them and think we are Not Elbow-deep in a pile of Triceratops shit. At this point I think we’ve proven that we really can do it Have fun Elbow-deep in a pile of Triceratops shit.

Our appeal: That law Franchise is critical at this point. Its many, many (many!) ridiculousnesses are fun to point out, but debatable. STREAM IT, but be aware, you’ll probably STREAM IT once and never STREAM again.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more about his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.

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